I almost went crazy just now because of my mom. Then I directly confronted my mom and had a crazy outburst. Surprisingly, after a while, I regained calmness and rationality.
9:32 Why did you push me to the brink of madness?
9:37 Knowing that I dislike things, I have explained the reasons to you in detail several times, but you continue to push me for your own desires.
9:37 Every time I try to reconcile with you and accept you again, I only receive greater harm.
9:38 I am really stupid. In the future, let's respect each other and keep our distance. Please do not overstep boundaries.
The words were intense, which may be too much for someone who loves me like her, but I am in pain and I don't care about that.
This time it was because she asked (strictly speaking, it was at the behest of an elder) my cousin in the same city as me to help me buy some clothes and dress myself up nicely.
After seeing the screenshots of the conversation between my cousin and my mom, I immediately felt PTSD. My head felt heavy, breathing became difficult, I lost my sanity, and my mood plummeted. I watched my emotions bungee jump and rapidly fall.
Because I have already fought with my mother several times over various things, this time I made the decision to confront her directly. I typed "Why did you push me to the point of death," but didn't send it because I suddenly realized that I didn't actually want to commit suicide, so I changed it to "Why did you push me to the brink of madness."
After finishing my outburst, within a few minutes, my emotions suddenly stabilized and I regained my rationality. Maybe this is the benefit of venting?
Suddenly, I thought about how I make friends. Whenever I sense something is wrong, I immediately distance myself from that person, avoiding them completely. I never approach or deal with them. Afterwards, I have often discovered that they have different values from mine, but most of the time, there is no further interaction. In today's highly mobile society, this approach can be said to be very successful, and I haven't seen any problems with it.
But thinking about my mother, whom I cannot distance myself from, I now realize that over the years, I have never learned how to handle such a relationship. I don't know what to do in a problematic relationship (it seems that she hasn't received any of my statements, and I couldn't even speak up initially), and I don't know how to communicate with someone with different values.
Looking back over these years, I feel clumsy. Either I am sad and consumed by myself, or I am restless and unwilling to communicate, or I am open and honest only to be hurt repeatedly.
If I interpret her catchphrase "I still don't understand you" with my utmost malice, could it be that she is watching me struggle, as long as I don't die, everything will be fine? Maybe in the end, she will see me change all my bad habits and give up my independent thoughts, conforming to her values.
I suddenly remembered a late-night conversation I had with friends before. I said that if I were to have children, I wouldn't care if their values align with mine. If they do, we can be friends when they grow up; if they don't, I'll just greet and care for them in daily life. Friend A said she wouldn't have children, and Friend C said she would educate her children to have the same values as her. We continued to discuss many things, and in the end, we all agreed that a person's values are almost innate and not developed later in life. This conclusion had no impact on me, but Friend C was deeply affected and said she would seriously consider the issue of children. At that moment, I suddenly felt a bit cold and didn't continue the conversation on that topic.
But thinking about it, I feel that my mom probably acts unconsciously. After all, every time I start to feel a little better and want to live well, her various demands come rushing in like a shark smelling blood. Now it seems that this is her unconscious reaction, not a step to tame someone.
My mom replied to me, with confusion and defense (mom doesn't know, mom is getting old), mixed with hints that she has already made concessions and cares about me. From the initial shock and confusion upon receiving these replies, I now feel really calm. Perhaps it will always be ineffective communication.
After years of turmoil, things are gradually becoming clear, and emotionally, it has changed from affecting me on a monthly basis to only a few minutes. Next, I will learn how to deal with this relationship, and when the PTSD is gone, all of this will become a story.
I spilled coffee, luckily my clothes are somewhat waterproof. (It's true, I wiped it for a while)